Mired

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Welcome to Wednesday, folks. It's been almost a week since my last post, and since then, I have accomplished very little in the realm of academics. In fact, I am more far behind with this block than I have ever been previously. I did absolutely nothing school-related over spring break, then the first week back, I did pretty much nothing, and then last week I did almost-nothing. This week has been only marginally better. This is especially bad because I have a neuroscience practical on Wednesday, an anatomy practical (on which there are over 300 structures that may be tagged) on Thursday, and a our neuroscience block exam on Friday (which is covering the first half of neuroscience, the back and limbs for anatomy, and some random microbio and histo stuff). 

To be honest, I'm having a rough go of it. Yesterday, my Timehop app told me that I posted this a year ago:

"Right now, everything is cloudy and I'm exhausted and I think I might be depressed but also I think maybe I'm not depressed and that life is just shitty. But it isn't shitty so I must be depressed. I wish someone would invent one of those htings they used on Star Trek that you could just run over your body and it would be like, "Hey, you've got the flu" or "Your endorphins are all fucked up" or "Your body is fine but your head is all shitty and it's not your fault so just wait it out and it'll get better." Why don't you invent that?" - The Bloggess

Maybe it's the time of year, but I'm feeling very similarly now. I am feeling quite mired in all the of emotions happening. And then I have feelings about my feelings, and when I told my therapist that, she advised that I should "probably skip that because it's exhausting." I know that she's right, but I can't quite explain that to my brain. (Once again, brains are stupid sometimes.) It is getting to the point where I am sick of hearing myself, because all I seem to think or talk about is my uterus (and associated things) or school. I feel myself pulling out of social circles because I feel like I have very little to offer in the way of engaging conversation, and if I do choose to be social, I am even more exhausted than usual.

I am running out of bandwidth, so it seems. This isn't something about which I would usually be concerned, but I can't account for where it's currently be used. It certainly isn't school, because I am so far behind that I feel like I may never catch up. It isn't a social life, because even though I am staying in touch, I'm not really doing a ton with people. We have had a few weekends in a row of people visiting and I did spend half of my break traveling, but that doesn't account for all of it. I'm not feeling particularly ill, although right now I think I'm either getting sick or my allergies are so bad that they are refusing to be tamed by my usual Zyrtec. Apparently, just existing at the most basic level of functionality is exhausting me. That, in a word, is annoying.

I'm not quite sure how to fix it, which is my other go-to solution for when I have a problem. First, I feel things about it, then I usually feel feelings about those feelings, and then I try and solve whatever problem it is. Sometimes, though, there isn't anything to be done. I just have to live here in this space of weirdness until it passes. As The Bloggess said, "Your body is fine but your head is all shitty and it's not your fault so just wait it out and it'll get better." So that's my confession for this week. I'm mired in feelings, behind in school, and unsure about where to go, what to do, or how to fix it. Go team?



Making Melissa

2 comments:

  1. Okay, first of all... Did you read The Bloggess's book? Because it was amazing and hit me right in the feels.

    Anyway, things will get better. You will feel more social, you will have more to talk about, and things won't always be about your uterus or school. But in the meantime, don't feel bad that it's what is important in your life right now. It's not a bad thing, just different.

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  2. Alison, maybe you've got a case of Spring Fever? wouldn't it be lovely if school were over and you didn't have these things to worry about.. ugh

    Honestly though, it does sound like you could be having trouble with allergies or getting sick. I'd suggest getting outside for a little walk, but that probably wouldn't be the greatest thing for the allergies?! so I dunno.

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