Awards I Should Receive

Wednesday, November 12, 2014


Sometimes, just getting out of bed feels like the hardest thing in the world, especially now that it's starting to get colder and darker. I basically just want to hibernate all the time. I know that part of that is from my depression not being super well-controlled right now, but even when I'm feeling at my best, sometimes, life is hard. (Thanks, Captain Conspicuous!) Because of that, I think we should be handing out awards.


Congratulations on Not Punching That Stupid Person
True life, sometimes, I want to punch people. Don't we all? More true life? I've never punched anyone. Ever. This might be because I am not entirely sure I would know how to punch someone, but also because, as my wise friend Pam says, "Degrees, not felonies." Sometimes, it's really difficult to not punch someone. For example, when someone is lazy and doesn't take personal responsibility for anything, the fact that I am not punching them in the face is a goddamn miracle. We should be positively reinforcing people for not assaulting others in public.

Best Performance of Feigned Interest in Front of the In-laws*
Don't get me wrong; most of my in-laws are great, or at the very least, tolerable in small doses (some require very small doses). However, sometimes, you just don't care about what they're talking about or don't feel like explaining for the 93rd time, why I don't celebrate Christmas or what I'm doing in med school. However, because I want them to think that Ken married a nice person and because it's the socially appropriate thing to do, I have to fake it. So yes, please tell me about that time you had an inspection at work, or talk to me about poker for 93 years. Tell me all about your friend's gall stones or why you hate your new phone. I can handle it.

*Also appropriate for coworkers, people on airplanes, classmates, or friends of friends

Good Job Extricating Yourself from the Confines of Your Blankets Today
I live in NJ. It gets cold here. It's now getting dark at like, 5 pm. Soon, it will be snowing. Getting out of bed is ridiculous. Since we can't call out "snuggled" to work, and eventually, I have to go to school, we should congratulate those of us who left the comfort of our beds to interact with humanity. We even put on pants (usually)!


Congrats on Keeping Your Cool While Explaining Technology to Your Mom
It's happened to all of us. The phone rings and your mom (or some older relative) is on the other end, asking how to get "the Google" to work, or wondering how they made their Word document 900% bigger than they wanted it. The best is when they're asking something extremely specific to their machine and you have no idea what they're even looking at. Bonus points given if you're more than 50 miles away at the time. If you can stay on the phone and explain to them how to fix the problem, or even if you have to politely remove yourself from the conversation by saying that maybe a neighbor could help them, or suggest that the Geek Squad at Best Buy might be able to assist them, good for you. Basically, if you can keep your brain from melting out of your ears or from slamming your head into the closest wall, you get this award.

Other things for which we should get awards:

- Not eating out for a whole week
- Remembering to put the trash out before the garbage truck rolls by your house
- Putting on real pants to run errands
- Wearing a bra for more than 8 hours
- Staying on hold with your health insurance company
- Not setting Comcast on fire
- Staying awake during a 7 am meeting
- Taking vitamins every day
- Flossing

What about you? Why should we give you an award? What awards do you think we should give out to other people?

- A



8 comments:

  1. I deserve the first one today, although granted a big part of my success in that arena is that the woman I wanted (ok, still want) to punch works across campus. THE RAGE, THOUGH.

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  2. oh man, there should definitely be an award for not punching the stupid person and also wearing a bra for a whole day. ESPECIALLY if they happened on the same day.

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  3. I no longer take tech support requests. Nope. Google it.

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  4. I feel like my mom has questions ABOUT search engines, so that would only create more problems, haha. Most of the time, I end up saying, "I can't help you over the phone, I'll help you next time I come over." And then by the time I get over there, she's forgotten or figured it out. Parents, amiright?

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  5. Ooh, that would require a special award! Thanks for stopping by!

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  6. Well, you get the award for not walking across campus to punch her. Good job, you!

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  7. Hahahaha these are aaawwwwesome!!! I daydream about punching people all the time, so glad I'm not the only one!

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  8. I love this. And don't have the patience to put up with technology questions. I'll try to figure out what awards I should win - I feel like most of them are - congratulations on washing your hair today and you remembered to floss! etc.

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